I lost my spark for 8 years. I was not able to convince myself of my masculinity anymore.
When I grew up, I knew I was a girl, but the rejection I experienced - mostly from male members of my family, made me question my own self worth. I learned that if I behave a certain way, I would be more accepted. So I started a life of adventure and risk taking, to convince everybody I was strong and a real man.
I did not realize that I mostly tried to convince myself.
I traveled a lot, learned rock climbing, sailing an scuba diving and I started a career which provided me with endless adventures; I became a television cameraman. Every day was a crazy adventure. Still, I developed depression. I tried to run away from myself. I left my home country of Germany and moved to Bermuda for over three years. In 2008 I came to New Zealand. I always thought if I lived somewhere else, things would get better. But it didn't.
You can't run away from yourself.
In 2010, I finally acknowledged what I knew all along. I am a Girl. The fact that I had a male body made no difference. I could not accept that fact. The world views of my upbringing was so ingrained in my mind, being transgender was something I could simply not accept. But Kristine wanted out of me. She kicked her way out, making me more and more depressed along the way.
Finally, I arrived at a point where I would either transition, or end my life. So I transitioned. Now I feel better than I ever have. I am myself, for the first time in my life I feel good in my skin. My life has become a lot more complicated. I was evicted from the room I rented for being trans. Work became unbearable thanks to bullying. I walked away from my job of seven years. I have no financial backup,
I'm a migrant, transgender, and it's Covid time. And I'm now unemployed. Still, I feel great. Maybe I'll become homeless. Nevertheless, I am able to love myself, and there is a strength coming out of me in a way I have never experienced before.
I'm Kristine Sophia now, and after a lifetime of bringing her to life, I finally will have a life.
Soon I start to train to become a hairdresser. And I will be a good one. I will succeed because I'm a strong woman.
Blog written by: Kristine
The #IAMFEARLESS campaign was run by Studio81 as a way to encourage women from all walks of life to kickstart, inspire, and/or motivate any upcoming goals they had, to share a part of their life's journey, and to impart any wisdoms learned along the way.